Local Man Loses Ability to Speak English After Listening to too many Episodes of Reformed Forum
GRAND RAPIDS, MI — Friends and family of local man Theodore Beza Van Roosmalen, 34, known to his family, his congregation, and the broader Reformed internet simply as TR, are deeply concerned after the father of three began losing his ability to communicate in English following what sources describe as "an aggressive Reformed Forum listening schedule" that began last October.
"At first it was just a few words here and there," said his wife, Sarah. "Ex nihilo, hypostatic, perichoresis. I'd look it up and think okay, fine. But then it turned into full sentences, then full paragraphs, that me and the kids were completely unable to understand."
"Last week our daughter asked if the dog could sleep on her bed," Sarah recalled. "TR retrieved his copy of Vos's Biblical Theology from the living room and explained that the question of animals sharing human sleeping quarters must first be understood within the broader context of the creation mandate and man's delegated dominion over the animal kingdom as outlined in Genesis 1:28. He read four passages from Vos. The dog was asleep on her bed before he finished the introduction."
Sarah confirmed the family is currently considering intervention options. A family therapist has recommended a strict diet of YouTube meme reaction channels, minimum three hours daily, in an attempt to reintroduce elementary English patterns.
"He watched one video," Sarah said, visibly emotional. "He paused it after thirty seconds to draft a response. It was 2,400 words. It had a bibliography. They were reacting to a video of a cat." She then began sobbing and was unable to continue.
The therapist has also restricted TR's reading to Reformed works available only in modern English translation. Results have been limited.
"He keeps finding footnotes that lead him back to the Latin original," Sarah said. "Last week he filed a formal written complaint about a translation's handling of the communicatio idiomatum. The complaint was written in Latin."
When reached for comment, TR himself seemed unconcerned.
"The concern my wife expresses, while pastorally understandable, reflects a failure to appreciate the analogical nature of human language as it relates to the ectypal appropriation of archetypal divine communication," said Van Roosmalen. "The regulative principle, properly understood within a republication framework, would suggest that my speech, far from being deficient, represents a more precise instantiation of the Creator-creature distinction as it pertains to domestic discourse. My children's inability to comprehend me is, with respect, an epistemological problem rather than a linguistic one. I would direct them to Frame's triperspectivelism as a remedial starting point, with the caveat that Frame's formulation requires certain Vantillian qualifications that I would be happy to elaborate on at length."
Reformed Forum was contacted for comment and responded promptly. However, no translators have yet been located to fully parse out the message.
